


to love and to lose

by princessrosberg



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 09:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessrosberg/pseuds/princessrosberg
Summary: It doesn't make sense at first, because him and Dele are such good friends. They talk a lot, they hang out and have sleepovers, eat pizza when they're supposed to be dieting.Until he catches the two of them exchanging soft kisses away from the team, and Harry coughs up a single petal, spotted with his own blood.





	to love and to lose

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this.

Harry first meets Dele Alli when he's 16. They're down as flight buddies for this year's internationals, something the coach thought would be fun and get them more familiar with their fellow Brits. Dele was all awkward smiles and nervous handshakes when he sat beside Harry. Beside the occasional academy games they played, and the one time they had to break up a fight, the two hadn't really interacted enough to be considered friends. Not even acquaintances when Harry thinks about it. 

 

“Hey, Harry?” Dele says softly, and Harry barely hears him over the sounds of the jets outside. 

 

“Yeah?” He crooks open an eye, still a little tired from the long haul flight and watches as Dele nervously looks away, bites his lip. 

 

“Um, can i… have your number?” Harry almost wants to laugh, but he holds it back to save Dele more shame. He finds it cute he's so embarrassed though. 

 

“Of course,” he takes Dele's terrible flip phone from his fingers and types in his number. When he hands it back and their fingers touch - though only for a second - he notices how soft Dele's skin is, how warm he feels, but quickly brushes it away. He closes his eyes ready to sleep the rest of the flight. 

 

*

Back then it had been easy, just a flirtatious fling between games, a taboo that only the two of them could know about. So when Dele left and went back to MK, and Harry returned to his boyhood club Tottenham, he thought it would be over.

 

Until a few years later when Dele had turned up at the club on a new signing with the same smile Harry had fell for a time ago. 

 

*

“Harry, it's been too long.” Dele says, grinning down at Harry and pulling him onto a tight hug. He hadn't know the boy had grown so much during their time apart. Whilst Harry had stayed at his small stature, Dele had grown into the awkward, lanky thing that was hugging him right now.

 

“Definitely. I remember when we were the same height.” Harry shoots back a smile when they pull away. It had been too long. They'd texted occasionally sure, congratulated each other after a win but that was nothing compared to being here together. Dele ruffles his hair. 

 

“It's kinda cute you're still as tiny as I remember.” Harry's heart flutters a little. “Anyway, I want to get to know the boys better so you're going to introduce me.” Dele grabs both of Harry's shoulders and starts to push him towards the rest of the team before Harry can do anything. So he just sighs softly and let's Dele lead him around the training grounds. 

 

“I’m sure you know Sonny, you two are going to get along amazingly.” Harry points over at the tiny boy who's sat on the grass laughing away with Keiran. Sonny looks over at the two, gives Dele the cheesiest grin Harry's ever seen and waves at them. “Told you.” Dele smiles back at him. 

 

“Hugo’s real nice, he's kinda like the dad of the group, so don't be surprised if he gets protective.” He waves the French goalkeeper over, and Hugo happily runs across the pitch to the two of them. He's still sweating from the hot summer days and still has his ridiculous gloves on, but Dele gets pulled into a hug anyway. 

 

He's glad Dele seems to be happy, that he's getting along well with everyone. 

 

Until he meets Eric. 

 

When Harry introduces the two of them, there's something different in his eyes, something Harry can't quite place. Whatever it is, he doesn't like it. 

 

“I think I'm good from here Harry, thank you.” Dele hugs him quick, but turns his attention back to Eric and happily chats away with the tall blonde. He watches the two for a moment before there's a sudden pain in his chest and Harry gets away from them as quick as he can. 

 

*

The next 3 months go by smoothly, Dele settles in incredibly well and everyone seems to be in high spirits for the new season, especially with the addition of such a talented young player. Harry doesn't feel that though. He feels the same pain he had when Dele first looked at Eric. He feels it _every_ time Dele looks at Eric.

It doesn't make sense at first, because him and Dele are such good friends. They talk a lot, they hang out and have sleepovers, eat pizza when they're supposed to be dieting. 

  
Until he catches the two of them exchanging soft kisses away from the team, and Harry coughs up a single petal, spotted with his own blood. 

*

It only gets worse. Dele and Eric become more and more affectionate in public, and Harry has to suffer through every single part of it. He hates it. He hates how happy Dele is with Eric, hates that it's Eric and not him. But every time he thinks of sneaking a kiss from Dele, or pouring his heart out to the boy, he sees the brightness in his eyes whenever Eric is around. Hears the happiness in his voice. 

 

He can't take that away from Dele. He just can't. 

 

*

“Hey are you doing okay Harry? I'm worried about you.” Unsurprisingly it's Hugo that notices it. He looks concerned when Harry meets his gaze, and though he doesn't want Hugo to worry, he can't tell him. 

 

“Yeah, I think I just have a bug or something, don't worry I'm-” It catches him off guard this time, and with no time to run off and hide away his suffering, he coughs up a bunch of petals into his outstretched hands. They're covered in blood this time, and Harry can feel the dizziness kick in from how much blood he'd lost. 

 

He can't bare to look up at Hugo, just clutches the petals between his hands and cries. They fall apart between his tight grip, float delicately to the floor, and if it wasn't for the bright red blood coating them they would look beautiful. 

 

“It's Dele, isn't it?” Harry bites his lip and doesn't answer, but it's enough for Hugo to know. He lets out a shaky breath and sits beside Harry, wipes away the blood on his lips with his sleeve. “Harry I'm sorry, but-” 

 

“I know what you're going to say Hugo, I know.” Harry looks over at him. He knows about the surgery, the one that will save his life and get rid of this awful condition once and for all, but Harry doesn't want to give up the love he feels for Dele. Not yet. 

 

“I never told anyone when it happened to me…” Harry looks at him in surprise, his eyes widening as he waits for Hugo to continue. “It was Eric, he just has that way with people huh?” Hugo looks away, but Harry doesn't miss the glisten of tears in his eyes. “But Harry we can't lose you, I can't lose you. The team needs you and you can't leave us like this.” 

 

Harry knows that. Fuck of course he does, he just wishes it wasn't this way. Wishes that one day he could wake up to Dele's sleeping face and not cough himself into passing out. But love isn't fair, it's never fair. 

 

Harry can only nod and hope it's enough. 

 

*

Only Hugo knows about it for a while, and thankfully he keeps it a secret. But when Poch pushes them harder than usual in training and Harry doubles over in pain, Sonny finds out. 

 

“Who?” Sonny looks at him with such a broken expression as he helps wash away the blood. Harry doesn't want to tell him, Hugo knowing was bad enough, but he can't get through this on his own. Not anymore. “We make them love you Harry. You're cute it will be-” 

 

“Dele,” Harry whispers. “It's Dele.” 

 

He grabs onto the side of the sink to steady himself. He can feel the pain subsiding but his head's still spinning and the sweat still slides down his cheeks. 

 

“Why doesn't he love you back? We can tell him and then-”

 

“No! He can't know Sonny.” Harry glares at him the best he can, and that's the end of it. 

 

*

“Harry wait up!” Dele grabs onto Harry's arm before he can get into his car. “How are you? I feel like we haven't spoken in forever.” Harry can't look at him, can't look at his perfect smile and sparkling brown eyes and know they're not for him. 

 

“Fine, but I need to get home.” He tries to pull out of Dele's grip but the boy is surprisingly strong and keeps him there. 

 

“What's wrong with you lately? All you ever do is avoid me.” He sounds hurt, his voice wavers like he's about to cry and that makes the pain worse. Harry can feel his throat tightening but wills himself to last just a few more seconds. 

 

“Dele I mean it. Let go of me.” 

 

“No! You've been off ever since I started dating Eric why are-” That does it. Harry yanks his arm away from Dele's grip and covers his mouth just in time. It's bad, he can feel the blood dripping between his fingertips and that agonizing pain in his body. “Harry…” He slams the door shut and speeds off before he can look back at Dele.

*

He stays home that week. The pain is too bad and the coughing only gets worse. The boys try to call him, send him texts asking how he is, that Poch is worried and that he needs to let one of them know what the hell is happening. 

 

Harry just turns his phone off and curls back into the sheets. 

 

He's half asleep when the doorbell rings, and maybe that's why he pulls himself out of bed, with tired eyes and blood stained lips to answer it. He wishes a lot of things, but by god does he wish he didn't open that door. 

 

Dele looks a mess. He's got tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes. Something's clutched between his fingers when he pushes past Harry. 

 

“How long?” Dele chokes out, and Harry frowns in confusion until he growls it again and uncurls his fist. A single petal drops onto the table, slightly decayed but still as bright as Harry remembers. He squeezes his eyes shut and wills away the tears. 

 

“Del…” 

 

“I said how fucking long Harry!” Dele spins around, looks at Harry with tear filled eyes and shaky shoulders. That hurts more than the pain inside, the pain he gets every time he sees the two of them together. 

 

“A few months...Dele I'm- you wasn't supposed to know I…” 

 

Dele kisses him, and god if it isn't the most wonderful feeling in the world. The pain practically disappears, his heart suddenly filled with warmth and love and everything he's ever wanted. It's only for a moment though, because Harry is hit with such an intense pain he drops to his knees, barely catching Dele's worried look before he blacks out.

*

He'd apparently been out for more than a week before coming round. Hugo had been there the minute he woke up, sleeping with his head against the bed and his hand wrapped around Harry's. There's balloons and presents and flowers all around his hospital room.

 

Everyone knows. Everyone fucking knows, and Harry wishes the damn thing would just kill him now. 

 

He thinks about Dele, expects the pain the take nim, expects to cover his sheets in the deadly petals, but nothing comes. In fact when he thinks of Dele he feels nothing at all. 

He shakes Hugo awake. 

 

“Hugo, Hugo wake up!” He stirs against Harry's hand, grumbles and looks around confused before he catches Harry's eye. 

 

“Hm?” 

 

“What happened?” Harry shifts to get himself more comfortable, and it's only then he notices everything. The needle in his hand, the surgery gown around his naked body. 

 

Hugo sighs. 

 

“Dele brought you here and-” Harry cries out. It hurts. It fucking hurts that all those feelings are gone, that he can't remember anything from the time he loved Dele and that someone had taken it all away from him. It saved his life, sure, but was that really worth it all?

 

And then Dele had bounded through the door, practically dove onto him and sobbed against his shoulder in happiness. He wishes he could just feel the love his heart had wanted one more time.  

*

A week later, Harry gets his wish. 


End file.
